Back in Houston

Went to First Colony Mall today and what did I find?

Disturbing

More disturbing

Really disturbing

Rudy Giuliani?! i guess this is where the "real america" eats

  

sadly, the pizza was actually quite good

on a lighter note, check out this rip-off of American Apparel i found at Dillard's! Merry Christmas everyone!

Catching a Mouse

I have a little mouse in my apartment, so I set down some sticky pads.

Girlfriend: "It's so obvious. If I was mouse, I would just laugh at these traps."

1 hour later...

Hipster Trendspotting

So you want to be a hipster, but unfortunately you live in Midtown West and can't get all the latest from Williamsburg (BK, not VA)

Well fear not, I am here to be your guide

TREND 1: The Tie-Dye Shirt

Celebrity Hipster Representative: Sufjan Stevens, Dov Charney
Chances of Catching on (out of 10): 4
Commentary: After spotting these shirts on the front page of the American Apparel website and then at the Kutsher's gift shop during the ATP music festival, I thought maybe I was on to something. Unfortunately, if there's one thing hipsters hate more than construction on the L-train, it's being confused with a hippy.
Potential Derivative: Those Hypercolor t-shirts from the 80's
Have I Jumped on the Bandwagon?: No, unless you count the time I made a tie-dye shirt in 3rd grade





TREND 2: The Reverse Wristwatch

Celebrity Hipster Representative: Jason Schwartzman

Chances of Catching on (out of 10): 5

Commentary: I discovered HBO on-demand on my girlfriend's TV today and watched 4 episodes of "Bored to Death". Jason, for some reason, always wears his watch like in the picture above. Even weirder, I found the picture above from a website called FutureOfAds which I initially thought was FutureOFads (pure serendipity!). Unfortunately for this one, most hipsters get their Flight of the Conchords and other HBO shows off BitTorrent, and I'm just not sure you can actually catch this trend on your tiny Macbook Air computer screen.
Potential Derivative: A pocket watch chained to your skinny jeans
Have I Jumped on the Bandwagon?: No (see below)

[During surfing lesson]
Paul Rudd: "When I came to Hawaii, I stopped wearing a watch."
Jason Segel: "That's so cool."
Paul Rudd: "Well now I have a clock on my cell phone"



TREND 3: Nudity

Celebrity Hipster Representative: Maybe that guy from Deerhunter? (the band, not movie)

Chances of Catching on (out of 10): 0

Commentary: I'm not sure this one even qualifies, but streakers have been spotted in Williamsburg lately.
Potential Derivative: Streaking with a body suit George Costanza style
Have I Jumped on the Bandwagon?: No, but I am tempted



TREND 4: Animal T-Shirts

Celebrity Hipster Representative: Bret McKenzie
Chances of Catching on (out of 10): 9
Commentary: Animals are so "in" right now. Just look at the names of these indie rock bands: Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Deerhunter, Deerhoof, Caribou Vibration Ensemble, Super Furry Animals, The Jesus Lizard, Bridezilla... and these were just the bands at ATP Festival!
Potential Derivative: Dressing up in an animal costume

Have I Jumped on the Bandwagon?: Most definitely



TREND 5: Hipster Trendspotting


Celebrity Hipster Representative: Demetri Martin 
Chances of Catching on (out of 10): 6

Commentary: If there's one thing hipster's love, it's NOT conforming to the mainstream while conforming to hipster culture (see: skinny jeans, mustaches, flannel, living in Williamsburg). Well how do you know how to conform to hipster culture so that when you go to that Grizzly Bear concert, people won't yell "BOO TEXAS!!" at you for wearing a Texas Longhorns t-shirt... what's wrong with these people? don't they know it's gameday? Would it kill them to turn on the TV at the bar to show the USC/Ohio St game??!
Potential Derivative: Setting your own trends instead of copying other people

Have I Jumped on the Bandwagon?: See title of this post


And now here is my list of things I wish hipsters would embrace in no particular order: the red river shootout, meat, glow-in-the-dark undergarments, hedge funds, midtown west, fu manchu mustache, LFO, the BCS, survivor (the show, not the band), croquet, me

Business School Applicants

Which applicant has the better chance of getting into Harvard Business School: Zack Morris or Brandon Walsh?

Note that I will only be including their life in high school so technically it should be "Which applicant has the better chance of getting into Harvard University", but let's face it, what these 2 accomplished in high school is more than most of us will accomplish in our lifetime

GMAT Score

They never took the GMAT, but presumably their SAT scores would be a good indicator of how they'd do


Brandon - 1190

Zack - 1502

Winner: Obviously Zack. Not only does he crush Brandon, but he also somehow manages to get an extra 2 points making him the only person in the history of the SATs to get a score not divisible by 10


Mitigating Factors: It's possible Brandon got a 1190 even without completing the test (he rushed out to go to the hospital to see how Brenda was doing after she got a tumor removed from her breast). It's also possible that Zack got a 1502 by cheating.

Losers: Donna who only managed to get a 620 and Dylan who gets accused of cheating. A young Matthew Perry also considers suicide after not getting into Stanford. Let's not even mention Jessie Spano and the whole "Stansbury, Harvard of the West" debacle. Lots of losers on this one.

"Could I be anymore depressed?"

Leadership and Teamwork

Zack:

- Leader of the band "Zack Attack"

- Class President (for 1 day)

- Multiple entrepreneurial ventures (friendship bracelets, video dating, fake class rings, acne cream, etc.)

- Saved "The Max" by re-starting the school radio station

- Manager of school store

- Member of track team, basketball team, baseball team, JROTC, yearbook and student council

- Manages a team of 1 (Screech)

Brandon:

- Sports editor for the school newspaper "The Blaze"

- Led protest against mall development and ultimately saved The Peach Pit

- Little league baseball coach (both for the rich kids and then the poor kids who beat the rich kids)

- Uncovered steroid abuse on the track team

- Member of ice hockey team, employee of The Peach Pit and Beverly Hills Beach Club

- Integrated homecoming dance by inviting students from Shaw High to West Beverly (after a football game and gang shooting)

- During a "high stakes" drag race, finds the hit-and-run driver that ran over Andrea

- Voted most likely to succeed

- Led walk-out of finals protest so that Donna could participate in graduation after getting caught being drunk at prom from all the liquor her boyfriend's dad kept serving her

Winner: Brandon has the slightest edge here. Most of Zack's ventures were ultimately unsuccessful (the man was president for only 1 day!) If only Zack Attack wasn't just a dream

Mitigating Factor: or was it???

Charity Work

Zack: 
- Films a "No Hope with Dope" public service announcement with NBC Chairman Brandon Tartikoff
- Successfully kicks oil drillers off the campus saving animals from accidental oil spills (Becky the duck was not so lucky)
- Falls in love with a homeless girl at the mall
- Helps get a girl on the all-male wrestling team
- Intervened when Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills (she's so excited, she's so excited, she's so... scared)

Brandon:
- Mentor to boy getting beaten by his single parent mom
- Agreed to take Andrea Zuckerman's virginity (but never actually did)
- Saved young Matthew Perry's life (see above)

Winner: Zack has the slightest edge here. If Brandon had actually had sex with Andrea... well that would have been the ultimate act of charity.

Definitely Yale material

Mitigating Factor: None

The Race Card


Zack: learns that he is Native American from Chief Henry who encourages him to BEAT VALLEY! in the track meet. Also has a black friend named Lisa whose ancestors were part of the underground railroad (good) and a white friend named Jessie whose ancestors were slave owners (bad)

Brandon: broke up with Brooke Alexander because she thought all Jews were rich (as well as other racist things). Worked for a black guy at the Beverly Hills Beach Club. Once accused a black member of the basketball team of being academically ineligible so that he could take his spot. Integrated the home coming dance

Winner: Tie. Zack having a black friend and questionable Native American heritage is about even with Brandon actually being black in the new version of 90210. Not only that, but it's Michael from The Wire!

Someone just doesn't fit in

Mitigating Factor: None


Interests/Hobbies

Zack: Subliminal advertising, Kelly Kapowski, gambling, beauty pageants, date auctions, ballet for extra credit, sabotage, delivering babies in elevators

Brandon: Slimy political campaigns, figure skaters, "Keep it Together" soap opera, rollerblading, private dancing lessons, televised AIDS benefits hosted by Rosie O'Donnell, dating shows, sports gambling

Winner: Tie. Epic for both applicants.

Mitigating Factor: none


Recommendations 


Zack: 
- Mr. Belding
- Mr. Carosi
- Casey Kasem

Brandon:
- Nat
- Andrea Zuckerman
- That black guy who was Brandon's boss during the summer

Winner: Zack. I mean, Casey Kasem, c'mon! Zack also delivered Mr. Belding's baby which should prevent Belding from saying anything really bad about Zack (Zack brought you into this world and he can take you out of it)

Mitigating Factors: Casey Kasem is really old.


Red Flags

Zack:
- Ethically suspect, though he usually ends up doing the right thing
- Constantly defying the laws of physics by freezing time
- Giant cell phone may disrupt classroom discussion of case studies

Brandon:
- Addiction to alcohol and gambling (once arrested for drunk driving)
- Wrinkles on forehead indicate he may actually be older than the age on his application
- Potential ties to organized crime (McKay family)

Winner: Zack. The man can freeze time.


OVERALL

Winner: Zack. Brandon kept it close for a while, but ultimately he just couldn't take the Zack attack. The lower test scores, the gambling, the alcohol addiction and of course, the inability to defy the laws of physics all cost Brandon in the end.

oh GQ magazine, did you really have to go and play the race card?

ATP Festival

Headed out to ATP festival today - things to watch out for this weekend

1) Has the American Apparel trend really taken over or will flannel still reign supreme?

                                                                   VS

2) Will the bars show the USC / Ohio State football game? Do any hipsters follow sports?

3) How vegan will this event be and what kind of beer do hipsters prefer?

4) How many hybrid cars will I see in the parking lot and how many SUVs?

5) Is the hipster beer belly truly a new trend (as proclaimed by the New York Times)

Abercrombie Polo's

As I was walking around midtown today wearing my orange Abercrombie polo, I got to thinking why I love the polo's so much, let me count the ways:

1) Random tourists come up to you and ask you where the Hollister store is

2) Abercrombie actually paid for my polos - thank you racial discrimination lawsuit!

3) LFO

4) Co-worker: "have you been working out?"
Thomas: "nope, the arm holes are just smaller"

5) The collars are so thick you can wear them like this

Idaho State

OU plays Idaho State next weekend... I didn't even realize there was an Idaho State! I guess we will finally see which state truly is "the ho state". Maybe there is a University of Uranus...

OU lost to BYU yesterday (Utah most definitely not the ho state). Coming back to OU instead of going to the NFL hasn't really worked out too well for Gresham and Bradford so far. Zero props to Stout for not showing the OU game on at least one TV screen forcing me to run back home to watch the 4th quarter.

In other news - Shawne Merriman is apparently dating Tila Tequila and was arrested yesterday for choking her. Worlds colliding!

Boise St. vs. Oregon

Since the college football season started yesterday, you will find many of my posts inspired by the games I watch. Why? Because I am obsessed with the BCS, that's why. Most you will find this blog to be a blatant ripoff of Bill Simmons' The Sports Guy and to a lesser extent Stewart Mandel's College Football Mailbag. To those of you I say, "you are correct" (also apologies to nymag.com which I also like to rip-off, so watch out for some Mad Men references in future posts!).

First up - Oregon vs. Boise State For those of you who don't know, Boise State is not actually a state. Perhaps they were reluctant to name the university "Idaho State" given one could mis-hear it as "I da ho state". Of course, everyone knows that Oklahoma is the "ho" state with Idaho actually being a distant second.

Moving along... Boise State plays on an artificial turf that is blue and nicknamed "smurf turf". Boise's uniforms are also blue so they kind of blend into the field when they play.

I bet this causes much confusion and could really give some of the struggling teams out there an advantage. Army has gone 3-9 the last 3 seasons (remarkably consistent). What better team to use camouflage than the Army?

Just imagine a field made entirely of this...

+ uniforms like this...

= Here we come Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl!

Or perhaps the Chick-fil-A Bowl? Chick-fil-A kept running ads for their labor day promotion (get a free Chick-fil-A sandwich if you wear a shirt with your favorite team logo on labor day). I believe the only Chick-fil-A in NYC is in the NYU food court. You think NYU would count as your favorite team? (http://chick-fil-a.com/CFA_LaborDay_WebVersion.html)

I guess I don't even own any NYU shirts to test the hypothesis out. I do own some UT (Texas, not Tennessee) shirts, and I am very much looking forward to this season (mainly just beating OU again).

One thing I realized during the Oregon game, was how great the UT hand sign is. I know other schools like to mock it by doing the upside down horns, but they are probably just jealous they don't have a good sign

The "president" of Iran might hate the Jews, but he loves those Longhorns!

Oregon is a classic example of a hand signal that shouldn't exist (see the guy on the left who can't even make a proper "O")

Check out the mascot, too.

Why is it dressed like a Japanese School girl? Scandalous!

At least, The University of Oregon refers to itself (correctly) as UO. The University of Oklahoma still can't figure that one out... Do you like how you've been reading this whole time, and I still haven't even talked about the actual game? (yet I've already made 2 derogatory statements about Oklahoma)

Well, Oregon basically got stomped on in the first half (even though the score didn't reflect it). The Oregon offense couldn't even get a first down. Looks like the taser formation isn't all that cracked up to be... it's too bad, cause just think of all the opportunities to yell "don't tase me bro!" when the Oregon offense comes on the field!

That song is the jam. I hope UT comes up with a $5 footlong formation

So Oregon ultimately lost 19-8 and one of the Oregon players punched one of the Boise St. players after the game; then tried to attack some fans in the stands. THE END!